Sibling Stress….Don’t Forget The Quiet Ones
The old phrase “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” is so appropriate for most families that are balancing a child struggling with mental health challenges and siblings. From my own experience……for a while……I was under the assumption that if my other two girls were quiet or not expressing stress or discomfort during an explosive episode…..they were “fine” or “unaffected".
I referred to my middle daughter proudly during that time as my “set it and forget it” child. I always commended her for being so calm and helpful during her sister’s panic attacks or rough days and praised her for staying away and caring for her younger sister. More often than not, those panic attacks would turn into emotionally charged fights due to the stress and enormity of the situation and for many years our house became what felt like a war zone. Even to this day I have guilt about that.
As an adult I felt defeated and scared…….I can only imagine now how my other kids were feeling during those stressful days, months and years.
This weeks blog is a true moment of PAUSE for any parent reading this that may be wondering if their other children are affected by the stress and sometimes disruption of mental health challenges in a sibling. The answer is……YES…..YES they are.
I realized when I began looking back…….our girls rarely came to us with their own problems or fears because they thought their problems were trivial or silly compared to what their sister was going through. It seemed in retrospect they were trying to protect us as we were trying to protect them.
Unfortunately there is a price to pay for suppressing needs and emotions. My “set it and forget it” daughter showed signs of anger, resentment and family withdrawal in the years that followed. I learned the hard way that you can’t “assume” they are ok……..a deeper daily check in is necessary.
It makes me sad to think about that to this very day……..
But guess what……
My daughter is ok……..
Everyone is ok………
We grow through what we go through……
AND
Knowledge is ALWAYS power………
✨Here Are Some Helpful Tips To Ensure Healthy Check In's With Your Child✨
Ask open ended questions to check in with your kids…..
” How did that stressful episode make you feel?” “
“ On a scale of 1-10 ( 1 being scared…… 10 being really calm) How are you feeling right now?
“What would help you get closer to feeling like a 9 or a 10?” (Brainstorm ideas)
“ What can I do today or in the future to help support you better during a stressful day at home?”
These questions do not leave room for just yes or no answers and it allows the child to scale their emotions and communicate their needs.
Create alone time with your other children each week to remind them that they are important too.
❤️Car ride with music
❤️Date to a coffee shop
❤️A walk around the block to talk about their day
❤️Play a game
❤️Make a special breakfast in the morning
❤️Clean and organize their room
❤️Put encouraging Post It notes around their space
Model how to journal. Teach them to write about the good, the bad and the ugly.
Enroll them in therapy sessions to teach healthy coping skills
VALIDATE their feelings… Say things like….“It makes perfect sense that you are angry and frustrated!”
Practice patience and pause when you are in the middle of a tough situation. Most often we snap at those around us because we are exhausted, frustrated and angry. Practicing a pause when addressing our other children will avoid misdirecting our anger and blame.
Ask family members and friends for help to better support the siblings. Plan sleepovers or playdates to create fun environments and safe escapes to ensure quiet breaks.
Communicate with teachers, social workers and guidance counselors to ensure support throughout the school day.
HUG and LOVE them as much as possible
Forgive yourself…….you are doing the best job you can!
Always remember……when all else fails…..LOVE is the answer!
Happy Holidays from my family to yours!
🦋XOXO
CONNECT WITH ME
@butterflycoachproject